The name might be a bit twee, but there will be no besmirching the vanilla slice at this trio of patisseries. The French Lettuce has been ranked at the top of Melbourne’s vanilla-slice tree for years, thanks to its consistency that sees two layers of icing-sugar-dusted, buttery puff pastry sandwiching a cloud-like vanilla custard (the owners refuse to divulge the recipe, despite constant entreaties from devotees). For the rusted-on fans of this particular slice, its strength lies in its simplicity, and there’ll be no arguments here. Buy a box of six and save yourself the time of coming back later. Multiple locations; thefrenchlettuce.com

What kind of monster puts apricot jam in their vanilla slice? The bakers at Gusto, that’s who, and the results are a surprisingly pleasant change from the everyday that will horrify the purists but make some new friends with its outré charms. The family-run business also pumps out a jam-free French vanilla slice version to satisfy the sticklers – expect icing sugar rather than the more Aussie-fied fondant, a velvety custard and layers of crumbly puff pastry – and can also be trusted with all your other sweet pastry needs, including a banana cake with thick passionfruit icing, and apple crumble pie. Multiple locations; gustobakery.com.au

Want to take your vanilla slice to the next level? This newly opened venue on Russell Street (on the four-storey site of the old Crafty Squire) delivers a gussied-up pub menu that includes jazzing up the classic vanilla slice for its dessert menu. There’ll be no sitting on a park bench snaffling this number out of a paper bag; instead, the double layer of crunchy pastry pairs with passionfruit icing, seasonal fruit and a rich custard cream. You’ll definitely be needing cutlery, and don’t spare the napkins. Kick things off with the cheese & Vegemite garlic bread, and you’ll be green and golden. 127 Russell St, Melbourne; hickenshotel.com.au

This humble bakery once held the Guinness World Record for the world’s largest vanilla slice (although, as it weighed in at 509 kilograms, this monster made in 2012 might just be a little excessive for the average person’s needs) and the team at Flinders has continued the bigger-is-better philosophy with its everyday fare. The traditional ‘snot blocks’ here have a bold custard-to-pastry ratio – even structural engineers would be hard-pressed to say how they manage to defy gravity so wonderfully – and there are also vanilla slice specials such as salted caramel, pistachio and cappuccino to keep the love alive. 272 Warrigal Rd, Cheltenham; facebook.com/Flindersvanillaslice

Country Cob’s trophy cabinet must be groaning under the weight of all the hardware it’s collected over the years, for its pies, tarts and classic Aussie vanilla slice. They’ve even been invited to appear on MasterChef to share their skills. Brothers Chan and Ryan Khun know how to appease the gods of tradition and deliver a nice slice indeed, thick with a rich yet light vanilla cream custard that’s held in place by some shatteringly crisp golden pastry that’s more boldly iced on top than many of their competitors. Pro tip: the fruit tarts here are also not to be missed. Multiple locations; countrycobbakery.com.au

Take your tastebuds on a South American spin at this Saint Albans-adjacent bakehouse. Run by a Uruguayan family, they spice up their vanilla slice with a layer of dulce de leche; the milk caramel proving to be perfectly simpatico with the vanilla cream (you can get it in a regular size or a mini ‘bite’). For more sweet hands-across-the-ocean moments, try their cuernito (Uruguayan croissant) made with a lard-based pastry, buttery Argentinian croissants with a quince jam filling or ojitos – crumbly walnut-based biscuits with an apricot centre – then hit the butter puff pastry empanadas for a savoury respite. Unit 8/350 Taylors Rd, Delahey; dulcebakehouse.com.au

In the heart of Melbourne’s bagel belt, this old-school European-style bakery produces a stand-up version of the vanilla slice. Structurally sound and dusted with icing sugar rather than being finished with icing, it’s an elegant number with a winning eggy richness, a restrained hand on the sugar and some perfectly golden pastry keeping up its end of the deal. Make the most of your visit to Glen Huntly Road by stocking up on the full gamut of Aviv’s sweet and savoury range, which includes an equally exemplary baked cheesecake, smoked salmon-filled bagels, cheesy boreka and pear and custard tarts. 400 Glen Huntly Rd, Elsternwick; avivcakes.com.au

Supersize your slice and share the love with the help of this artisan European bakery that’s been cranking out quality cakes and pastries on Glen Huntly Road since 1993. Here, you can choose between a single vanilla slice or an 8×8 or 8×12-inch vanilla slice cake, all of which keep their KPIs in order with suntanned pastry and an airy-light vanilla custard topped with a dusting of powdered sugar. Whether individually served or celebration-sized, the smoosh factor is high – cutlery might be in order – but doing extra laundry is a small price to pay for a slice experience to remember. 983 Glen Huntly Rd, Caulfield; danishnosh.com.au

Okay, it’s not strictly in the metro area (although we’re willing to broach arguments that the Mornington Peninsula has been subsumed into Melbourne suburbia), but any cafe that names itself in honour of our pastry hero deserves a look. The vanilla slice gods are pleased with this spot on the main shopping drag, right near the Conti, that has been serving its headline act since 1983. Get there for a classic recipe done right, with a standout custard that’s like a dainty vanilla dream. If you’re looking to balance your diet, the chicken and leek pie is another standout. 23 Ocean Beach Rd, Sorrento; vanillaslicecafe.com.au

This sweet local cafe punches above its weight in the vanilla slice stakes. Presumably going by the mantra “the higher the slice, the closer to god”, its vanilla custard reaches for the heavens inside its flaky pastry scaffolding, delivering a crisp crunch that doesn’t try to steal the limelight from the filling. The powdered sugar topping follows a similar line of sweet discretion. Join the queue during the morning rush, or kick back later in the day with a slice and a coffee. 81 Bedford Rd, Ringwood East; bedfordcoffeeco.com.au