Have you wondered what a night terror would look like on a plate?

Restaurant critic, Jay “Acid” Raynor, believes he consumed one recently while eating at the notoriously over-priced, three-Michelin star restaurant, Le Cinq, according to his withering review.

Located in the Four Seasons Hotel in Paris, Raynor hoped for whimsy, but received a gutful of disappointment. He described his gratinated onion dish as “mostly black, like nightmares, and sticky, like the floor at a teenager’s party.

My picture of the onion dish at Le Cinq. Read about the restaurants version against mine here: https://t.co/luNFgBzBRO pic.twitter.com/644JZc0jdE

— Jay Rayner (@jayrayner1) April 9, 2017

Amongst almost still pulsating pigeon, and a dish described by his companion as “like eating a condom that has been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer,” Raynor was underwhelmed by the excessive use of passé ‘spherification.’

Bursting globes like “silicone breast implants” left his senses underwhelmed while the passionfruit filled with watercress puree was quite the opposite, for the wrong reasons.

“My lips purse, like a cat’s arse that’s brushed against nettles,” he wrote of the assault on his palate.

Raynor visited Le Cinq after becoming sick of hearing complaints of how expensive dining out has become. He hoped for an astronomically bourgeois experience matched by gastronomic decadence.

Sadly for Le Cinq, but hilariously for us, he walked away disappointed and mildly traumatised by memories of the meal.

“They are bleak and troubling,” he said. “If I work hard, one day, with luck, I may be able to forget.