Certain things are unavoidable at Christmas. Pine needles in the carpet, Mariah Carey’s holiday album, perceptible weight gain. But the surest feature of the festive season is uphill conversation. Whether it’s the jaw-clenchingly embarrassing variety, impossibly dull small talk or passive-aggressive family banter, there’s no escaping it.

Here are six incarnations of awkward to look out for, and our tips for surviving them.

Your sister, 1992 version

Even though your sister is now 36, with three children of her own and a successful podiatry practice, on Christmas Day the sister who turns up at the table will be the moody, sulking version of herself you remember from sharing a bedroom right through nineties. Why any gathering of family sees her revert to the earlier, unreconstructed version of herself, nobody knows. But you’re powerless to fight it so instead consider her constant eye-rolling, furious mutterings and refusal – still! – to eat “anything with eyelashes” even though she knows it upsets Dad, a nostalgic reminder of times’ past. And you might as well enjoy the opportunity to workshop all your brother’s faults with her while the two of you do the washing up. The fact he’s currently not helping, for example? So typical. Exactly like the time he wrote off Mum’s Daihatsu after the formal and got literally no punishment whatsoever.

Your boss, only drunk

Is there a sight more alarming than your usually reserved line manager coming towards you with a Jägerbomb in each hand, a cocktail frank between his teeth and his workshirt undone to the navel? Not that we can think of. If there’s no time to duck behind the ice sculpture or throw yourself out the second floor window to avoid his long, slurred explanation of why you’re the best one in the whole marketing team and the only person who really “gets” him, adopt a standing brace position, keep a plate of prawn toast between you as a buffer and if possible, get your phone out in time to record the part where he promises you a substantial raise because you’re “sirisly so ‘mazing and beautiful and good at Excel, but not in a weird way.” Cue … his tears/your slipping home.

Self-educated wellness expert, never off duty

“Do you worry about leaky gut or…?” your brother’s new girlfriend will ask, just as you close your mouth around a forkful of delicious smoked salmon. “I’ll send you an article about microbes” she’ll promise, carving into the individual nut roast your mother was forced to whip up last minute because nobody told her a macrobiotic vegan (sugar-free) was coming to Christmas lunch until the IGA was already closed. Nod, smile politely and enjoy her portion of pav.

Your uncle, retired accountant and part-time body shamer

After sharing his views on immigration with a full table, there’s nothing a certain sort of uncle enjoys more than drawing attention to the physical characteristics of any woman in his orbit. Are you pregnant? Has she gained weight? Are that actress’s bosoms you know… wink…as God intended? While inappropriate, certainly, know that as soon as he’s made every lady present cross her arms defensively over her chest or don a second apron as a shield, he’ll fall into a heavy sherry-induced slumber with his paper-hat over his eyes and you can all relax.

Suddenly-single best friend

Although privately you never liked him, it’s still unfortunate that your best friend’s boyfriend decided to call it quits ten days before Christmas, leaving her a hot mess of heartbreak and pain and Secret Santa Toblerone. Conversations with your beloved bestie during this period will, unfortunately, focus less on the fun and frivolous and more on the fact that she will never ever be happy now and will definitely die childless and alone. Rationality has no business here, and your only job is to pass the tissues, keep her glass full and Facebook disabled.

Your teenage cousin, eye contact refusenik

Frustration, loneliness, isolation… just three of the many emotions you’ll experience when seated beside an adolescent who is constitutionally unable to look up from the glowing screen of their Christmas phablet. All your best, most thoughtful conversational gambits will be met with a mindless mmm as they TikTok their way through three courses and although you’ll be tempted to go deeper, try harder or address them in misremembered text acronyms, don’t do it. Either treat the entire period as some unexpected me-time or find them on Insta and ask if they would like more cranberry sauce via the DM function.

Related story: Matt Preston’s failsafe rules for surviving silly season