In my career as a food writer, I have written 1,999,531 words about food which means that it is in this very column that my 2 millionth word will be written. This is true – the keeper of my records has crunched the numbers of all my books, features and columns and come up with this portentous number.

Given the momentous nature of this milestone, I want to ensure it’s to be a great word rather than any one of these ugly ones so often attributed to food.

Food words I don’t want my 2 millionth word to be

Melange: This is a particularly pretentious way of saying “combination”.

Trio: Fine when it’s a jazz trio, but dreadful if it refers to three overly fiddly canapes made from cheap salmon pretending to be an entree. Make a choice chef and just serve us the best one.

Crusty: This word is not so bad when used in association with port or… erm… crusts. However it’s terrible when used to describe a sauce bottle.

Scrumptious: Reserved for pub menus, it usually means pretty much everything they serve comes out of a freezer bag or a plastic bucket.

Moist: It is probably best if this word is never, ever used when describing food (or anything else for that matter).

Passionate: An empty word, it’s used when you have nothing else to offer. “At least he’s passionate.”

Rustic: This term has become an excuse for clumsy plating and for pastry so thick and tough that you can kill magpies with if you chuck it just right. (Please don’t try this at home. Leave it to me, I’m the professional.)

Honest: See “Rustic”.

Gourmet: Basically if you are told that something is “gourmet” it usually isn’t. For example, gourmet sausages come in unwelcome and unconvincing flavours like “wallaby and kasundi” or “Bangladeshi country chicken”. Meanwhile, so-called gourmet pizzas have turkey, brie, cranberry and a distinct lack of self respect piled on top of them.

Artisan: This was once a beautiful term used to describe foods crafted with care by hand and with an almost obsessive respect for the old ways. Now, it has simply become the new “gourmet”. No, sausages made by machine in a factory out by the docks for distribution to 500 supermarkets aren’t “artisan” – even if their name is written in an antique typeface like Yorktown, Black Chancery or Canterbury Regular. Artisan also isn’t just a matter of mincing the meat coarser.

Wild: When applied to something you’ve actually foraged from the wild, it is a beautiful word. However, it’s not a wild mushroom risotto if the mushrooms come from a supermarket – even if that supermarket is in the deepest wilds of the ’burbs.

Love: An exquisite word, it has been embraced and cheapened by reality TV cooking shows. The words, “I cooked it with love,” are invariably uttered before someone presents a drab, grey bowl of ’70s sludge that was last seen served in a grim Romanian prison by a swarthy, unshaven warder called Dumitru with particularly poor personal hygiene.

Lumpy: Not great when followed by either of the words “custard” or “gravy”, this is, however, especially bad when preceding the word “milk”.

Stinky: When you’re not talking about food, stinky is seldom good. In culinary terms, it’s also generally bad unless referring to cheese.

Appetising: Quite simply, this is just a dull, vanilla word.

Yucky: Lazy writing. Come on, you can do better than that, Matt.

Yummy: Equally as lazy as “yucky”.

Zingy: This is a lovely word to describe acidity, but sadly it can’t be used without “zippy”.

Zippy: This is a lovely word to describe “bursting with flavour” but it can’t be used without “zingy”.

A good word for my 2 millionth

Ideally it should be something astounding, even better if it is something so evocative that it will make your mouth water involuntarily.

Perhaps the word should be a proven menu-motivator such as crispy, creamy, crunchy, sticky, caramelised, slathered, delicious, or bacon. (Mm, bacon. Yes, that one is definitely in the running.) Or maybe it should be one of those really fantastic words to describe bad things like rank, putrid, rancid, mushy, curdled or tepid.

So, let’s do the count. Oh poo… the 469th word in this piece, and thus my 2 millionth word of food writing turns out to be the pronoun “it”. Still, could have been worse. It could have been “menu-motivator”.