There are two questions lazy journos like me ask when an interview is running out of steam: What would be your death-row dinner and, the topic of this week’s column, who are your dream dinner guests? Here are mine (for your chance to win dinner with me, see here)

I’d happily have dinner with any of the following late greats with two provisos: they can magically speak English, they’re not in an advanced state of decomposition and they won’t complain about the food.

Elvis Presley 
I’d like the king to arrive in three acts: as the early swivel-hipped truck driver, leather-clad in the ’68 Comeback Special and late Vegas-era Elvis complete with mini cape. And I’d want to eat peanut butter, bacon and banana sandwiches and sing our way through all his back catalogue. If Elvis can’t get away from the milk bar he’s been running in North Talwood since he ‘died’ in 1977, I’ll settle for Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra or Prince.

Anthony Bourdain 
I was lucky enough to dine with him a few times. One of the great raconteurs and he could also listen.

Nelson Mandela 
Maybe he could share some advice on statesmanship, patience and forgiveness.

Shah Jahan 
This Indian ruler controlled the richest empire in the world in the 17th century and lived a fascinating life. Hopefully he could teach me how best to show your love – after all, he built the Taj Mahal for his beloved wife, Mumtaz Mahal.

Ned Kelly
I’m only mildly obsessed with the bushranger from north-east Victoria. I have a library of books on him and his gang yet there are still many unanswered questions, such as why he tried to fight his way back after he’d escaped the siege at Glenrowan.

Marilyn Monroe 
A fascinating woman who could answer so many questions about her tortured life. Her inclusion here has nothing to do with the fact she was hot – I would never objectify a woman.

Ching Shih
It isn’t all just partying for me. I have a long list of women who have helped shape the world in the face of great odds: Biddy Mason, who was born a slave but made millions in Los Angeles real estate at a time when black landlords were rare and left most of her money to charity; Chicago’s leading 18th-century socialite and philanthropist Bertha Palmer, who invented the brownie; Elizabeth Jennings Graham, whose insistence on boarding a tram in New York led to the end of segregation on public transport; or Lin Siniang, the sword-wielding warrior lover of the lord of Qingzhou. But I settled on Ching Shih, the pirate queen who defeated the Portuguese, British and Chinese. She’s pretty cool.

Jesus 
If he didn’t turn up we’d know he didn’t exist and that would make life easier for a whole lot of other religions. If he did, there’d be a wealth of questions to ask. Also, we’d never run out of wine.

God 
As above. Her no-show would be even more of a conversation starter. It’s debatable whether she’s dead, alive or ever existed at all. I’ll leave that with you.

Jimi Hendrix 
Who wouldn’t love to party with one of the great partiers of the sixties? Oh, and we could trade licks on our white 1968 Fender Stratocasters and then set fire to them – if he brought them.

Catherine The Great 
Princess Sophie of Anhalt-Zerbst was the longest ever female ruler of Russia. She overthrew her weak Romanov husband in 1762, took the throne and proceeded to modernise and expand the empire dramatically in an era known as Russia’s Golden Age. She was a pro-vaxing pioneer and threw the sauciest parties St Petersburg had ever seen. She might have some interesting advice on how to handle Vladimir Putin.

Anita Ekberg 
Do old hall passes still apply?

Benjamin Franklin 
This writer, inventor, humourist, activist, diplomat and pioneering fireman might have a few ideas on how to set the US back on the straight and narrow.

William Shakespeare 
Finally, we can get the great man who invented verbing to approve of my much-lambasted terms like ‘plating’ and ‘heroing’. We could also make up a couple of new terms to describe those trolls who lambasted me – after all, he started the ‘your mum’ jokes, called people bull’s pizzles and plague sores and coined the especially disdainful and painful slap ‘away, you three-inch fool’. And he could help me with the troublesome ending for that film script mouldering in my bottom draw.

Leonardo Da Vinci 
Okay, everyone wants him as a dinner guest, but as the smartest man ever he might be able to come up with a way to stop those bloody possums eating the buds off my roses. And he could redecorate the spare room – I hear he was a bit of a painter. I’d also like to ask him if he was really an alien from another planet and whether he put UFOs in his art, as some have suggested.

 Living candidates

Tim Minchin

I missed ever seeing Robin Williams live so the temptation is to nominate him, but a flag-waving streak has me picking Tim Minchin instead – he looks like he’s got a few things to say. And Matilda might be the greatest musical ever written.

Lucy Lawless

I’ve only met her once, but, gee, she was funny and pretty naughty so I suspect dinner with her would be a crack. Plus I’m a fanboy of pretty much everything she’s done. Not just Xena: Warrior Princess but Spartacus and Parks and Recreation as well.

Hugh Jackman

I love me a show tune, but more than just singing our way through The Greatest Showman, The Boy from Oz and Les Mis, and discussing Wolverine, I also know that with Hugh at the table any woman, and most men, I know would be keen to join us. 

Sam Pang and Tommy Little

Funny men but, more importantly, beautiful people and very entertaining conversationalists that would light up anyone’s dinner.

Melissa Doyle and Fifi Box

Smart, sassy, incredibly well informed, Mel made four hours feel like 14 minutes the one time I dined with her. The same goes for my one-time tennis partner the Boxster.

Mel McLaughlin and Adam Gilchrist

I’ve had dinner with these two together once. It was at the Logies. We lost again, but it was all worth it – the conversations about sport, life and rubbish from two of the best-informed and nicest people you could ever meet

Gary and George

As the two other biggest food nerds on the planet, there’s no one better to get out. Not just because of their knowledge and their happy desire to talk obsessively for hours about food. When our partners would have long ago rolled their eyes we’ll still be discussing the joys of Morton Bay bugs or a really good sticky toffee pudding.

Lionel Messi and Maradona

I’ve been lucky enough to see both play and it would be an honour to talk the beautiful game with two of the greatest ever exponents.

Ryan Reynolds

Funny, fascinating and he might have some on-set Gossip Girl goss from his wife, Blake Lively, that he might like to share. And obviously his performance as Deadpool rivals anything Olivier ever did.

Lin-Manuel Miranda

This fascinating Broadway talent wrote the musical In the Heights and the songs for Disney’s Moana, but more importantly he’s the guy behind the worldwide smash Hamilton and I’ll willingly listen to him discuss Puerto Rican politics so I can try to weasel the role of petulant pudding king George III in that show when it comes to Sydney in 2021.