Winter is less a season and more a test of endurance. And when the temperature drops, the smartest survival strategy is a piping-hot mug of smooth homemade hot chocolate. But before you reach for that tin, know that the choice you make at the checkout is crucial. So which brands deliver that warm, chocolatey hug in a mug, and which are just brown disappointment water? We went cocoa-loco in the supermarket aisles and spent a milk-splattered afternoon tasting 19 different hot chocolate products – making them according to packet instructions and scoring them on taste, texture and appearance – to provide you with the answer.
In the name of all that is holy – why? Truly there has never been a more vile and abominable concoction inflicted upon the human race. But rest easy, gentle reader – we tried this so that you never, ever have to. Imagine, if you will, a sinister-looking brown, grease-slicked cup of Bovril mixed with just a touch of cocoa, and perhaps a splash of Satan’s tears. And then imagine, if you must, all of us running, one by one, to spit it out into the nearest sink. 2/10
If the entire reason for your product’s success is down to the fact that it’s 50 percent sugar, taking that sugar out is not going to bode well for you. “Tastes like disappointment”, as one taster sombrely noted. 3.5/10
Have you ever made the mistake of buying a hot chocolate from a vending machine in an office building lobby in, say, circa 1980? Yeah, that pretty much nails it. 3.5/10
This was just a hard ‘no’ from us. Did we really just pay $30 for this? As one taster scrawled desperately, “the aftertaste was horrible – it kept on coming and hitting me in the mouth”. Look, we really have to stop putting collagen in things. Why don’t we all just leave collagen alone for a bit. Let collagen run free, like a wild stallion. 3.7/10
We’re a bit worried about this score. Does it make us unAustralian? But to be perfectly honest, this just did not seem like the Milo that we remembered of yore. Where were those big malty crumbs? And had that chocolatey light within dimmed a little? Either way, the rules remain the same: ignore what your mum says and pile in those spoonfuls, kids. 4/10
This surprised us, but mostly because it seemed to look and taste slightly better than the original. Still didn’t taste super-great, though, with a slightly artificial aftertaste. 4.1/10
Technically, this one shouldn’t even be on this list, as it’s really only something that schoolkids dump into their milk. But here we are. While everyone made a lot of noise about how much they didn’t like this, you could tell they did. 4.6/10
Because it came in a sachet, this also ended up surprising us. It did actually froth up, and tasted quite Milo-ish, even just made with water. Good for camping trips. 4.9/10
Close your eyes and picture your regular everyday hot chocolate: looks like hot chocolate. Tastes like hot chocolate. Does the job, you know? Well, this is that hot chocolate. Just like the most unpopular person in your friend group, it will always be available if you need it, but it will probably never be invited to the really fun parties. Still, at $4 for 400g, it’s a bargain. 5.6/10
This brought all the nostalgic feels for us, which is possibly why we found it so comforting. It actually contains magnesium, which can help you relax. However, it’s also 37 percent sugar, which will send your stress hormones into overdrive. 5.7/10
Our hot tip? Don’t follow the instructions on the tin. What kind of sad, joyless individual makes their hot chocolate with water? Haven’t we already got enough to feel miserable about? Be sure to add milk for the win. This has a good chocolate taste. 5.8/10
This might have scored higher if it had more bitter dark chocolate ‘wowzers’ and less sugary ‘yowzers’. But at $7.50 for a (half-empty) 350g tin, perfectly serviceable for your workaday hot-choc needs. 6.2/10
It’s true that this had a good rich colour, but we all expected a bit more from Cadbury. It just didn’t really follow through on the flavour front with any great strides. But this is still undeniably what you would call ‘hot chocolate’. 6.4/10
This one scored higher than average despite several tasters finding it to be more akin to a cup of chocolate mixed with air freshener. The secret is in the added lavender, which is supposed to have calming properties, but may end up having the exact opposite effect, if you find the whole concept of mixing chocolate and bath bombs to be deeply offensive. 6.3/10
While team delicious. is still coming to terms with the whole ‘brands that give products cutesy names’ thing, we very maturely put our cynicism aside, and quite enjoyed this cup. Although it must be noted that the tin was once again half-empty upon opening, and this is also very, very sweet. 7/10
