For almost half a century, kids have spent hours flipping through the Women’s Weekly Children’s Birthday Cake Book, painstakingly selecting the cake that will mark their special day, utterly oblivious to their parents lurking in the background, silently willing them to choose an easy one this time. Often a bewildering and time-consuming puzzle of baking, shaping, frosting and decorating – with some occasional precision engineering thrown in for good measure – these classics will live on in our hearts, and our baking nightmares, forever. Read on for our breakdown of the best Women’s Weekly birthday cakes, from the well-nigh impossible to the simply spectacular.
In an interview with the ABC, Pamela Clarke – the woman responsible for many of the classic Women’s Weekly birthday cakes – described the Tip Truck as a “b*tch of a cake”. Anyone who has attempted this feat of automotive composition knows that she wasn’t lying. Boxes of matches, cantilever structures, wrapping things in foil, licorice whittling… It’s a hard pass from us.
The Echidna was great in theory but rather unsettling in practice. Essentially a chocolate-covered boulder with brown things sticking out all over it, this didn’t quite translate to the cutesy marsupial intended. Especially when you look into those unsettlingly lifeless staring eyes. And the less said about the sponge-finger snout the better. This would actually work really well as a doorstop, except for the fact that it’s made of ice cream.
This cake may be simple, but it they sure as hell gets the job done. Bakers everywhere are particularly grateful for the basic geometry lessons outlined in the recipe – anyone with a loaf pan, a knife and a little bit of pluck can crunch these numbers. Just don’t get too cocky, because once it comes time to make a Number Two cake, you’ll be up all night.
Unless you have a masters in engineering, we’d recommend you steer clear of the Choo-Choo Train. It’s supremely impressive, yes, but it also requires the baking of at least four cakes, some precision knife-work to form the engine and carriages out of said cakes, the baking of more cakes because you stuffed up the engine and carriages the first time around, and lots and lots of joining and splinting and coating and sticking on of things. And this all ends – as dawn breaks through the kitchen window – with your trembling, cake-stained fingers stringing some horrendous rainbow popcorn onto a pipe cleaner to resemble steam. You can bet your caboose we’re not up for that challenge.
What the quack? Salty potato chips for a beak, sweet lemon-hued icing, and an afro (we guess? But why would a duck have an afro?) of popcorn, the flavour and styling combinations of the Rubber Ducky were always ahead of their time. But the structural integrity of the Duck is a real sticking point, and because of that, it earns a poultry place on our list.
Grapes are at their peak right now, look for firm, bright fruit for a sweet juicy snack.
If you were lucky enough to have a pool party, you knew darn well that you were choosing the jelly-filled Swimming Pool cake. We love the kitschy above-ground vibes, with the chocolate-finger fence and little toy babies floating on their jelly pool rings. A nightmare to make, chaotic to slice, but for one brief moment, a dream to behold.
We hate to lean into stereotypes here at delicious., but a straw poll around the office indicates that yes, every little girl wanted this cake. As for the bakers out there, the simple base construction and easily frosted inverted waffle-cone turrets of this cake make any frantic night-before-the-party decorating a breeze. So let that assuage any guilt you might feel about reaffirming any patriarchal social ideals in this post-feminist era we’re living in.
The most challenging part of the Hickory Dickory Dock cake is convincing your child that a prune is nature’s candy. Outside of that, the concept is so simple that it’s genius. The jubes and 100s & 1000s surrounding the clock face and the licorice Roman numerals are both elegant and impactful. The licorice can also easily be swapped out with some carefully placed chocolate icing. See, kids? Fun and educational.
From a structural standpoint, the figure-8 racing-car track is a knockout. Relatively simple in execution, but what an impact! There’s a bridge. On a cake. It’s genius. Add in a red lollypop stop sign, some chocolate bullets to highlight the edges and a few toys cars on the track, and you’ve got yourself a foolproof show-stopper for the young car enthusiast in your life.
All hail the Dolly Varden! Possibly the most forgiving of all the Women’s Weekly cakes, all this masterpiece requires is a dome-shaped Dolly Varden cake pan, some strategically placed icing and marshmallows, and one dismembered Barbie, which should be easy enough to find under any child’s bed. A stunning result with minimum effort. Thank you, Women’s Weekly, that was just what we were looking for.
If you somehow don’t yet have a copy of the Women’s Weekly Children’s Birthday Cake Book, you can buy your copy through ACP Publishing Pty Ltd and Are Media here.
