It all started with monkeys eating bananas. Apparently we’d been eating our bananas all wrong; the monkeys knew better. Internet pundits warmed to the theme and suddenly we were bombarded from all sides about how we were eating everything wrong.
Cue mass insecurities and endless YouTube hours clocked up by food lovers trying to fix their eating flaws.

Here’s the lowdown on eating some of the world’s most popular foods along with the common pitfalls to avoid.

Burgers

Never use a knife and fork to eat a burger. Do not press the burger down so it’s compressed and therefore easier to fit in your mouth; apparently this insults the burger maker (listen carefully and you’ll hear my eyes rolling).

Tacos

Never eat these with a knife and fork either. Eat them like a sandwich instead. Bite the two bottom ‘corners’ first, then the top and finally the middle. Never hold crisp tacos by pinching them at
the apex; always hold them at the base.

Spaghetti

Old paintings exist of Neapolitans tilting back their heads and dangling long strands of spaghetti into their mouths, but there’s little proof that this method is more than a romantic myth. Far better manners, and more acceptable in Italy, is to twirl your fork using a spiralling motion until a neat bundle has formed, then pop it elegantly in your mouth. Never use a knife with that fork, and only use a spoon if you are a child.

Pizza

Folding a slice is acceptable if you are in New York or eating in a Neapolitan street. This tradition apparently dates back three centuries to when Spanish soldiers stationed in Naples liked to ‘incorrectly’ eat their pizza ‘like a folded book’. Either way, use your hands rather than a knife and fork. If you’re in Italy – or anywhere, really – never order pizza with a topping of tandoori chicken, corn chips and chilli, or banana, bacon, chicken and smoky barbecue sauce. Oh, and never, ever dab the top of the pizza with a paper napkin to remove the oil – that’s likely to tear out the heart of any soulful pizzaiolo faster than news of the latest Maradona indiscretion.

The Sandwich

Cut into two equal halves and eat inwards from the cut side of each half to maximise the amount of filling you ingest immediately. Continue with the soft heart of the sandwich until you’re left with just crusts. Discard said crusts and claim you’re trying to lower your carb intake, or treat them like a delicacy and savour their chew.

The halved Jaffle (Toastie)
Eat the two side corners first. Then the longest edge. This leaves you with a cone of the filling which can be assessed for heat levels before devouring. This is also the alternative approach to take with triangular halves of fresh sandwiches. It ensures you’re partially sated when you reach the richer rewards at the centre of the sandwich so you can savour them more slowly and fully.

Steak

Admire it, even sniff it if you must, but then eat it while the heat of the grill is still on it. Start in the middle so you can tell if it has been cooked to your liking, and never, ever cut off the fat from a properly aged and cooked piece of cow. Never season, add sauces or apply mustards until you’ve tried the first bite.

Meat Pie at the Footy

Sauce is essential. It should be smeared all over the top (but not the crusty edge) to act as a cooling agent, as well as for flavour. Leave the pie in its wrapper so you can use it to help with said smearing. It will also protect your fingers and catch any trouser-compromising drips.

Salad

Only a gauche American eats salad as an entrée before the main. In the true French manner, it should be eaten after the meat or main and never with it.

The Cupcake

Eating a cupcake so icing and cake are evenly distributed across each bite is nigh on impossible. Instead treat it like two items: cut off the top half of the cupcake with the icing first and eat it as a decadent treat, then finish the plain remaining half with your cup of tea or coffee. It’s allowable to reverse this order if you’re a slave to delayed gratification. Otherwise, invert the iced half and place it on the bottom half so the icing is now sandwiched by cake. While this increases the risks of crumbage, it will ensure a more balanced icing-to-cake ratio.

Bananas

For the record, and contrary to what you might have read online, monkeys don’t all peel bananas from the tip (the other end from the stem). In fact, they seldom come into contact with the sort of modern Cavendish bananas from Queensland that we all know and love, and when they do they’re more likely just to bite into the middle, taking both skin and sweet flesh. That viral sensation is total rubbish.

To eat a banana the ‘right’ way, peel it whichever way you find easiest, then break off bite-sized pieces to pop in your mouth. Never bite a hand-held banana.

A Little Advice

What you do with this knowledge is up to you, but remember that looking down on someone else for the way they eat is, in itself, the height of bad manners.
A final word: don’t order chai tea, naan bread or wagyu beef as you’re just repeating yourself (chai means “tea”, naan is “bread” and wagyu “beef”).   

Watch this space for Matt’s column on how to eat sushi, curries and pho without causing an international incident.