The annual office festive knees-up can be an epic co-worker/client bonding night… or a highlight reel of how-to get-fired mishaps (photocopiers work best with paper products. Just sayin’). Every work situation has their own unique trademarks, which can make for some sweaty pre-party palms. But, Christmas is all about giving, so we’re gifting you with the ultimate decode of what to expect at your soirée, from the menu, to the clothes, to how to set the small talk scene on fire.

The Gym Employee Bash

On the menu: kale shots, protein balls, fat-burning health shakes, raw food, fermented food, acai everything, and anything containing the word “activated”.

What to wear: Lycra.

Small talk starters:
“What do you bench?”
“How many triceps dips did you pull today?”
“What do you quench?” (e.g. wheatgrass, kale, activated almond milk, or fermented black tea shots.)

Other keys terms and Insta tags: PB (personal best), activewear, buff-ness, spray tan, #strongnotskinny, #icameforkale.

Deal breakers: spiking the spinach punch with soft drink.

The Accounting Crew Christmas

On the menu: Peck’s sandwiches, mini quiches, sundried tomato focaccia, spaghetti carbonara. Your basic nightmare.

What to wear: holiday novelty socks and sweaters (regardless of the weather).

Small talk starters:
“How ’bout those debits and credits?”
“Who invited Insolvency Santa?”
“What’s your number?” (short talk for how many tax returns you’ve nailed to date)

Other useful terms and Insta tags: P’n’L (profit and loss), in the black, #Iheartnumbercrunching, #beigeisnotbland.

Deal breakers: carrying last year’s calculator model.

Book Club Festivities

On the menu: Wine. Possibly cheese and crackers.

What to wear: casual Friday wear.

Small talk starters:
“I heard this was J.K. Rowling’s fave vino.”
“Kill, f*ck or marry: Michael Chabon, Jonathan Franzen, Jeffrey Eugenides?”
“What book were we supposed to read?”

Other keys terms and Insta tags: Booker Prize, New York Times bestseller, #wine.

Deal breakers: being the designated driver.

The Social Media Co. Pop Up Party

On the menu: hyper-local ethically sourced meat, organic cold pressed juice, IPA brew (if you don’t know what that is, kindly hand your invite back).

What to wear: vintage Levis and a hoodie, shoes optional.

Small talk starters:
“I did summer code camp with Jack*, how about you?” (*that would be Jack Dorsey, Twitter founder)
“Where can I tag you?”
“‘What’s your firewall like?”

Other keys terms and Insta tags: follower digits, virtual vanity, #awesome, #codegoals.

Deal breakers: Android anything.