When is a potato cake not just a potato cake? When you’re seated at a table in Stokehouse’s swellegant upstairs dining room, where the ocean views are almost as well-presented as the dressed-to-the-nines crowd. The potato cakes here rise to the occasion with their grown-to-spec spuds (courtesy of the local artisanal potato maestros The Spud Sisters), gussied up into perfection with a soda batter, fried saltbush leaves and the tickling punch of powdered vinegar. Just add a coddling blanket of chive mayo and a glass of something lovely from a wine list that has the dial set to celebration. 30 Jacka Blvd, St Kilda; stokehouse.com.au/melbourne

Harnessing the power of synaesthesia on the Mornington waterfront – we’re talking water lapping, seagulls cawing, boats chugging by – Schnapper Point Kiosk rises to the real estate with its thrillingly fat, bubbled and crispy golden discs of carby joy. There’s a secret ingredient at play here – the gluten-free batter incorporates chicken salt for wickedly addictive power, and they arrive riding shotgun with a rather notable house-made tartare. Take away to eat on the beach, or grab a seat on the deck and value-add with fish and chips and a cocktail. Either way, regrets will be zero and satisfaction will be guaranteed. 1 Schnapper Point Dr, Mornington; spkiosk.com.au

If you’re after a potato cake with more heft and presence than Sylvester Stallone in Rocky, head to this Essendon favourite and 300 Grams spin-off. Here, the potato cakes are almost as big as your head (we exaggerate only slightly), and the soda-based batter delivers an epic crunch that could possibly register on the Richter scale. Just add chicken salt, and voila – you’re in heaven. A classic fish-and-chipper with lofty aspirations, this is also a great spot to try out some newfangled moves in the form of chargrilled prawns, grilled gummy, octopus skewers and sweet fleshed, no-waste fish wings. 1041 Mt Alexander Rd, Essendon; scalablefish.square.site

The geezer connoisseur’s chip shop of choice, this always busy, occasionally DJ-hosting joint (Fatboy Slim made a recent surprise appearance here) celebrates the British-Irish love of fried foods. And the potato cakes are a standout from an all-star field. They’re house-sliced, freshly battered and fried into golden perfection with a crunch you could hear across the river, but it’s the chin-scratching choice of six house seasonings that elevates them into the stratosphere. Whatever your preferences – will it be the peri-peri, the salt and vinegar, prawn cocktail, spice bag or something else? – your potato cake expectations will be forever changed. 6 Inkerman Street, St Kilda; northernsoulchipshop.com

There’s no avoiding the sobering truth that the potato cake is not a health food, which makes us wildly applaud the way this CBD wine bar leans into their artery-hardening potential in the most sophisticated way. First, you take a plate of golden potato cakes not too far removed from the sort you find in a good fish and chipper, then you dunk them into the lilting tang of cultured cream topped with Yarra Valley salmon roe and chives. It’s an experiment in high-low dining that’s impossible to argue with and even more impossible to resist. Salty, crunchy and unapologetically decadent, they’re the ultimate city-side indulgence. 15 Warburton Lane, Melbourne; myrtlewinebar.com.au

Join the queue – because there’s always a line outside this Rathdown Village joint celebrating the Pacific Islands’ affinity with fish and chips – and bide your time knowing that the holy grail awaits. While the fish burger here is epic, the potato cakes are up there with Melbourne’s finest: made fresh, hand cut, battered just before they hit a clean fry. The result is a golden circle of joy with crisp, shattery give revealing soft yet still waxy innards – in other words, it hits all the perfect potato cake KPIs. They’re excellent with the tangy housemade tartare, but equally good without adornment. 382 Rathdowne St, Carlton North; @editasmelb

You’ve probably been to Easey’s to try some of the best burgers in town, but ascend once more to the shiny silver vintage train carriages on top of a Collingwood office block to get down in Potato Cake town. Double-fried and encased in the seismic crunch of Melbourne Bitter beer batter, they’re a standout in a strong field. The Metropolitan Mayhem burger rocks two potato cakes as well as quadruple beef patties, but if that sounds like a bridge too far, no one will judge if you slip one of those golden circles of fried potato inside a trad cheeseburger. 3/48 Easey Street, Collingwood; easeys.com.au

Golden brown, texture like sun… The Stranglers could well have been singing about the potato cakes at this Cranbourne cult favourite. Adding to the fervour is the news that the ‘secret’ potato cake menu has recently broken out from in-the-know whispers across the counter to fully legit. A smorgasbord of pimped-up potato cakes awaits, ranging from the recognisable (including soy, double slice and mini vinegar versions) to the truly outre: Hawaiian, cheesy Vegemite, sweet chicken or baked beans in tomato sauce. There’s plenty more to try, too. If you want to expand your potato cake horizons, this is the place. 11 Camms Rd, Cranbourne; @cammsroadfishandchips

The potato cake has a holy alliance with major sporting events that’s honoured in high style at Andrew McConnell’s proletariat-posh pub. Settle in at the Public Bar in sight of the big-screen tellys displaying the tennis-footy-soccer-cricket and get down with crispy potato cakes that arrive packing a shatter you could probably hear from the MCG. They’re structurally sound, too, making them a brilliant carbohydrate-based delivery device for their accompanying dish of potted spanner crab. Swipe, repeat. All they need is a squeeze of lemon, a glass of something cold and for the right team to win. 211 Gertrude St, Fitzroy; buildersarmshotel.com.au

The potato cakes at Bear’s could have been generated by AI – so crisp is the batter, so rich is the colour – but the potato intensity is certifiably real. One of the menu highlights of a trip to this cosy North Melbourne wine bar, they’re made using spuds from small-scale local producers and triple-cooked so the insides are super creamy and the batter (rice and tapioca flour batter with bicarb soda and sherry vinegar, thanks for playing) is super shattery. A side of creme fraiche and lumpfish caviar with snipped chives elevates them from humble takeaway staple to sophisticated bistro icon. 502 Queensberry Street, North Melbourne; bearswinebar.com.au