There was a time, anyone over the age of 40 will tell you, when there was almost nothing better on earth than a fistful of McDonald’s fries. Crisp but yielding, not too hot to gobble immediately, and masterfully seasoned every time, the ‘good old days’ were thanks to one thing: beef tallow. But in 1990, the fryers were emptied of beef fat and filled with vegetable oil, and things just haven’t been the same since. Catch them in the 3 minutes after they leave the fryer basket and a McDonald’s fry is still a thing of beauty, but after that it’s all a soggy, flabby, disappointing mess. 3/10

Like Schrodinger’s potatoes, KFC offers both some of the best chips you’ll ever eat and some of the worst, and it’s impossible to know which you’ve gotten until you open the box. When they’re hot from the fryer (a 50 percent chance) and properly seasoned with that signature, secretive mix of salt and spices (a disappointing 30 percent hit rate across our tests), only the winner in today’s taste-test can compare. When they miss the mark, these sad, floppy, flavourless potato noodles are flimsy outside, chalky inside and staggeringly unpleasant to eat. 9/10 & 2/10 (or an average of 5.5/10)

Fancier, of course, doesn’t always mean better, but these chunky steakhouse-style chips with their herb-speckled seasoning manage to stand out without losing what we love about chips. It’s only the coarseness of the seasoning mix – which has a habit of falling off the chips and pooling at the bottom of the box – that costs these hefty spuds a couple of points. Looking for a slightly healthier option? Go for the sweet potato or zucchini chips. 6.5/10

Though occasionally haunted by the same ghosts of inconsistency as some other major chains (*cough* KFC *cough*), there’s a lot to like about these chunky, rectangular fries. With a soft, steamy centre and a decent crispness that endures longer than others on this list, we never pass up an opportunity to down a serve of HJ chips with our cheeseburger, even with those magical onion rings calling our name. 6.5/10

Put these side by side and you’d have a tough time picking the Oporto chips from the Red Rooster ones – they’re both the same size and shape, and share the same perfectly crisp, golden shell. It’s only the slightly more uneven dusting of salt that lets this offering down slightly from number 3 in this ranking. 7/10

It might not be a national chain yet, but with this Sydney-based Lebanese-Australian chook outlet making roads interstate (in Vic and the ACT, for now), their chips are starting to garner as much national attention as their signature chicken. Similar in size, shape and crunch to the iconic Red Rooster offering, it’s their gentle dusting of chicken salt that sets these chips apart. And while this taste test isn’t taking dipping sauces into account, there aren’t many chip accompaniments that go harder than El Jannah’s airy, tangy garlic sauce. 7.5/10

Square-cut, crisp-edged, fluffy-centred and evenly salted, Red Rooster’s chips are simple, consistent and pretty much perfect. Boasting the kind of obsessive following other fast-food joints can only dream about, they’re the perfect side to a quarter of chicken (drumstick, of course) and a pineapple fritter, but we’ve been known to hit the drive-thru for the chips alone. 8/10

The ultimate lesson in not judging a book by its cover (or a chip by its coat), these aren’t much to look at, but they obliterate their competitors in a chip-against-chip flavour comp. Sure, their skin-on edges give the potatoes uneven brown patches; and the hot, just-made fries immediately droop inelegantly down the side of the box… but this is all forgotten with a single bite. Dusted with a slightly salty, slightly vinegary, slightly spicy chipotle seasoning, every single mouthful of these chips brings fireworks. 9.5/10