Guardian UK resident critic Jay Rayner has now quite the reputation. The established wordsmith travels the world denoting the good and the bad when it comes to venue, and, in his time, has crafted some of the most entertaining reviews you may ever read.

The esteemed food judge has been at it again with his latest review, which saw him visit Farm Girl Café in London. The Australian eatery is  a health-conscious space set up in luxe Chelsea, designed for the acai-loving, non-dairy set. The cafe self-describes as, “A holistic and healthy, yet comfortingly simple approach to Australian cafe culture in the heart of Notting Hill. Farm Girl values fresh, nutritionally nurturing ingredients and delivers them in a warm and welcoming environment.”

But in Rayner’s review, the cafe is far from welcoming, in venue or menu. “The menu at the Farm Girl Café features lots of initials. There’s V for Vegan. There’s GF for Gluten Free. There’s DF for Dairy Free. I think they’re missing a few. There should be TF for Taste Free and JF for Joy Free and AAHYWEH for Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.”

The meal does not begin well, with an artichoke that is described as follows: “From the small plates we order the whole (completely out-of-season) globe artichoke, which apparently is gluten free. It’s tough to see how it would be anything other. It has been prepared by someone who either hates globe artichokes or has never met one before: boiled until it is as soft and rank as Grandma’s cabbage, only with none of the glamour. It is just so much mushy leaf matter, and smells of a long Sunday afternoon in someone’s overheated suburban front room.”

Things don’t improve with the arrival of more dishes. “Paola’s Market Veggies” arrive in a bowl, with a grainy, deathly “carrot hummus” thickly smeared up the side, like someone had an intimate accident and decided to close the loo door and run away.”

Dish upon dish fails to impress the critic, who says himself so disappointed that he would have preferred to tuck into another diner’s dog who sat nearby. “After this vegan calamity, this extraordinary display of dismal cooking, I find myself eyeing the Yorkshire terrier, greedily. Just hand him over, give me access to the grill, and five minutes,” says Rayner.

Perhaps most reflective of Rayner’s distaste for Farm Girl Café’s fare is the critic’s scathing refusal to continue through to dessert, commenting, “we have suffered enough.”

The review can be read in full on the Guardian UK’s website.