In the hope that we’ll learn from his mistakes, Matt Preston shares the kitchen fails and culinary life lessons he’s learned the hard way.

Never be cavalier with baking instructions.

You can freestyle a bit with most recipes, but for pastry, 137g of sugar is exactly that – not 130g or 140g. Be precise if you want results like the picture.

Never substitute ingredients in the recipe and expect it to come out the same as the picture.

Never be disorganised.
If you’re always disorganised, just lay out all the stuff for the meal on the bench, and chop what needs to be chopped before you start. Wow, look, now you’re almost organised!

Never burn your garlic.
Those recipes that tell you to add garlic when you start your onions are just plain wrong. Garlic is high in sugars and lower in water content than onions and so it will brown – and then burn to an ugly bitterness – far quicker. Far better to add your garlic at the end.

Never bother a steak.
Put it on the very hot grill and leave it alone until the bar-markings are nice and dark. If I poked you with tongs and dragged you all over the place slathered in olive oil, you wouldn’t be happy either.

Never grey meat, always brown it.
Hot pan, not too much meat, and a proper amount of time. That’s the secret. And remember, leave it be while it browns.

Never catch a falling knife.
You are probably not an esteemed circus juggler, so you will probably impale yourself if you try.

Never cook mango jam in the nude.
Or even in short sleeves. It spits caramel-hot globs while cooking that can leave a scar.

Never dye mash potato blue.
Why would you? I’m lecturing myself here primarily.

Never fear your ingredients.
They will sense your terror and play up just to spite you. This is true. The first time you cook something that intimidates you, do it when there is no pressure or loss of face if you have to order takeaway instead. You’ll be amazed at how much better you cook.

Never cook avocado.

Never forget to season your cooking.
Salt is the caviar of the poor, as a famous Spanish chef once told me. For me, it helps sharpen the focus of the dish. As well as salt and possibly pepper, I’d also suggest seasoning with a little acid such as lemon juice or a suitable vinegar. Just a dash, mind you…

Never forget to taste.
Look, I really don’t care if you skip toasting your spices first, letting your meat come to room temperature before cooking, or even resting it for half the length of the cooking time before carving. Sure, these will all impact the finished dish, but not tasting your food is catastrophic. 

Never get distracted when cooking.
Doing your emails; catching up on last night’s episode. These can wait until after you’ve toasted those pine nuts or coaxed that sugar to a gorgeous burnished bronze. Get distracted, and they will invariably burn. 

Never cook scrambled eggs in anything other than a non-stick pan.
Unless you really hate the person doing the washing up.

Never leave all the washing up for someone else to do.
You’re already in the kitchen, so please just wash as you go. Well, unless the previous rule applies…

Never let the mess pile up.
Keep the bench clean and wipe down as you go. This will make you feel calmer, and help you find things when you need them – like that little box of saffron, or your paring knife. 

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Never mistake the salt for the sugar.
I don’t keep them both beside the stove for this reason.

Never put grated carrot in a salad.
In fact let’s be even clearer: never grate carrot. The result is an affront to common decency.

Never finish that bottle of wine (or spliff) before you finish cooking. 

Never serve lobster with a coffee mousse. Ever. Doing so is a sign of ignoring that last rule.

Never overcrowd the pan or deep-fryer.
You’ll drop the temperature too much and things won’t brown properly, or quickly.

Never pour hot oil down the sink.
You are not defending a medieval castle from sewer alligators; wait until it’s cooled and dispose of it in the bin.

Never use a mandolin without the guard.
Or while chatting to your mates with a wine) unless you are on the run and want to remove your fingerprints…

Never mash potato in a blender unless you need glue.

Never rinse your pasta – or add oil to the water.
Just stir in a cup of cold water into the boiling salted water after you add the pasta. That should stop it sticking. And keep a little of the starchy cooking water, to loosen your sauce. 

Never serve food that’s hiding undeclared nuts, coriander or pineapple.
You may lose a friend – sometimes even literally.

Never skip preheating.
Always preheat your oven, frying pans, skillets, woks and grills before adding ingredients.

Never start cooking a stir-fry without first having your ingredients chopped. 

Never start a recipe without checking you have all the ingredients.
And I mean actually sighting them yourself.

Never start a recipe without reading it through first.
You need a rough idea of where you are going.

Never try and romance someone with artichoke soup.
The same applies to your mum’s recipe for schlachtschüssel with extra semmelknödel.

Never think an expensive gadget can replace technique and experience.

Never undercook chicken. 

Never overcook fish.

Never be afraid to take perfectly cooked meat out of a braise if the sauce still needs reducing. 

Never use a recipe that hasn’t been pre-tested at least three times.
Every recipe at delicious.com.au has, and comments under the recipes can give you an insight into the method or what pitfalls to avoid.

Never use a blunt knife.
But never use a sharp knife when you’re used to a dull one – unless you are paying total attention.

Never use steel wool or a brillo pad on your friend’s expensive Le Creuset.

Never wash your black cast-iron skillet in the dishwasher.
Rinse in scalding water and wipe instead.

Never use a metal spatula on a non-stick pan unless you don’t like the person.

Never use too-small a tool. 

Don’t pick the wrong knife for the job; a bowl that’s too small; or a chopping board that isn’t big enough to pile up the trimmings.

Never trust an internet hack unless you can see it happening in real time.

Never wear a comedy apron unless you are a joke in the kitchen.

Related story: Matt Preston’s best lazy cooking hacks, for when you can’t be fudged