When that biscuit tin gets passed around, what’s the treat you reach for first? Do you politely take the boring Morning Coffee sitting at the top, so as not to appear greedy? Or do you really rifle around in there, in hopes of finding a rogue chocolate one that everyone else has missed? However you take the biscuit, your actions are leaving a cookie-crumb trail of secrets about your hidden psyche. And we’re here to decipher them.
Straight to the good stuff, huh? Hey, no judgement here. Not that it would bother you, because you unashamedly live for the good things in life. Champagne for everyone! Your credit card bill is larger than the national debt of Kyrgyzstan, and you like to hang framed Oscar Wilde quotes in prominent places around your house. You do not queue for food.
These biscuits come with a handy line down the middle, so you can easily snap them in two. But as you well know, this isn’t for any kind of ‘sharing with others’ nonsense. It’s because when you do that, you can stick them in your mouth and pretend you have big vampire fangs. It’s totally hilarious. Everyone thinks so.
It doesn’t matter how old you are. Hell, you could be a 65-year-old CEO who drives a BMW and talks about things like stock portfolios. And yet, there’s still that little child inside of you, who loves fluffy pink things that taste like fairy floss. So go for it, tiger. You do you. Just make sure you brush that dusting of desiccated coconut off your suit lapels before you head into your next quarterly budget review meeting.
You were deprived of sweets as a child, which is why you think something that tastes like toothpaste is worth eating. Luckily, you managed to kick your toothpaste habit back in 2015, but old habits die hard. This is why you single-handedly petitioned Allen’s to bring back Spearmint Leaves. Don’t lie. We all know it was you.
You’re really not fooling anyone. You’ve been arrested at least four times, sleep upside-down like a bat and know all the lyrics to every Dead Kennedys song ever written. Last week, you set fire to your own couch because you were bored. Your favourite drink is red wine mixed with gravel, and you once beat Clint Eastwood in a staring contest.
You’re the dark horse of the biscuit world, quietly eschewing the sweeter things in life for something more spicy and mysterious. But that’s not all you’re being cagey about. Unbeknownst to even your closest friends, you’re actually a CIA double agent, and spend your spare time moonlighting as a feng shui consultant. On Tuesdays, you practise archery.
You can’t beat a classic, right? You decided, many (many) moons ago, that this was a great biscuit, and you’re sticking to your guns. Much like the chewy jam in these things sticks to your gums. But loyalty comes at a price, and you wear that badge of honour with pride. You also still use your old Nokia 3310, and own three Ken Done jumpers, which you secretly wear around the house when no one else is home.
Experts remain puzzled as to why this biscuit was ever invented due to the fact that, until now, there have been no documented cases of anyone actually liking them. And yet, here you are – a scientific anomaly. You also enjoy other things that no one else can stand, which means you keep your dentist on speed dial, have a pet ibis called Brian, and actually volunteer to help your friends when they need to move house.
