US non-profit consumer watchdog Consumer Reports has taken it upon itself to play the Grinch who stole Christmas, releasing findings that some dark chocolate products contain lead and cadmium. For those playing at home, these heavy metals can cause a whole Santa’s sack full of health problems. 

In a festive gesture, the study was published on December 15 – a mere 10 days before Christmas. At least this gives you enough time to return that box of dark choc truffles you bought for your nan. 

There is a glimmer of hope – of the 28 chocolate bars featured in the study (of which all 28 contained lead and cadmium), many were brands sold in the US, not here. This might actually mean nothing at all, but at least it gives you the opportunity to continue living in chocolatey ignorance until there’s a similar Australian study done. 

Of course, the question has to be asked: isn’t dark chocolate supposed to be good for you? Studies vary, but much like red wine, ultimately the jury is still out. Especially now, it seems. 

Related story: We so want it to be true, but is red wine actually good for you? 

In case your Christmas spirit hasn’t been dampened enough, here’s another fun finding: for 23 of the chocolates analysed, eating just one ounce (that’s around 30 grams for those living in the 21st century) a day could expose a person to greater levels of heavy metals than are deemed ‘safe’ by health authorities. Encouraging news for those of us who like to mainline half a block after a tough day at the office (and yes, I am speaking from personal experience).

So where are these heavy metals coming from? Another US study, completed back in 2005, found that the majority of heavy metal contamination in cocoa beans (which make chocolate, obvs) “occurs during shipping or processing of the beans and in manufacturing”. But considering that 17 years have passed since then, and within that time we found out that Pluto wasn’t actually a planet and that Donald Trump could become the president of the United States, we’re not really holding out much hope on the facts there.

So what can you, as a chocolate-loving citizen, do? Stick with the ‘everything in moderation’ rule. And then, after you’ve finished laughing hysterically while shoving several rows of Lindt Excellence into your mouth, take heart. In the past few years alone, we’ve survived Covid, Trump, baby spinach and The Gilmore Girls revival. We can do anything.

Related story: Dark days call for these six decadent dark chocolate recipes