Yes, yes. We can get the whole ‘who cut the cheese?’ gag out of the way now. Fart jokes aside, cutting cheese is a serious business. It’s also a social minefield of potential faux pas that you never previously even thought about, but which will now keep you up at night as you replay in your mind every party you’ve ever been to or held, ever.

Rule number one in the world of cheese is to never serve it straight from the fridge. Give it time to come to room temperature first. This will guarantee the best flavour and texture. 

When it comes to slicing, your technique – and the type of knife you use – will depend on the type of cheese you’re serving. Unless you’re just using those pre-cut cubes from a bag, in which case you can stop reading now and get back to whichever 1970s cocktail party it is you escaped from.

Soft cheeses

Soft cheese wheels should be cut into wedge slices, like a cake – that way everyone gets the perfect amount of outside rind and inside creaminess. For hosts, pre-slicing a wedge or two from a wheel will give guests the right idea. For guests, don’t be a cheese hooligan and scoop out all the gooey inside bits. No one will ever invite you back. 

For a soft wedge, slice into long, narrow wedge slices from the pointy end outwards. 

Knives out: The best knives for soft cheese are skeleton knives or knives with holes in them (which leaves less surface area for cheese to stick to). You can also use a pronged cheese knife, which is narrow enough to avoid sticking, and has the added bonus of a prongy bit at the end that you can use for picking up slices. 

@deliciousaus Have you been cutting your cheese all wrong? Our resident cheese experts @thestuddsiblings show us how it’s done. To learn more, visit the link in bio. #delicious #deliciousfood #makeitdelicious #cheeselovers #cheeseplatter #cheeseboard #cheeseplease #cheeselover #cheeseoclock #cheeseaddict ♬ original sound – deliciousaus

Blue cheeses

With blue cheese, texture can vary, but the general rule is to start with your knife at the centre of the bottom edge of a wedge and then cut outwards in a radial pattern, slicing into thin triangular wedges. 

Knives out: A soft cheese knife should work here, but if you want to get a bit fancy, you can try using a chisel knife. It has a wide, flat blade with a sharp edge at the tip.

Related story: 24 easy cheesy recipes from experts Ellie and Sam Studd

Hard cheeses

For rectangles of hard cheese, slice on the vertical. For squares of hard cheese, cut in half to make two rectangles, then slice along the vertical. From here, if you really want to win friends and influence people, you can slice each piece in half diagonally to make triangles.

For a wedge of hard cheese, slice it like you would a soft wedge, or you can put the wedge on its side, with the rind facing you, and slice vertically from tip to rind.

Knives out: For harder cheeses, you want a knife with more oomph, so you should go for a flat, short blade, like a cheese cleaver.

Semi-soft/semi-firm

For a long wedge of semi-soft cheese, cut the wedge in half vertically. From there, you can make snack-sized triangle slices. For a shorter wedge, cut slices crosswise until you reach the last third, then cut lengthways.

For a semi-firm wedge, cut the wedge in half. Cut the narrower half into long, thin slices across the rind; then rotate the thicker half 90 degrees and slice with the rind into long, thin wedges.

Knives out: For semi-firm cheese, go for a knife that has a decent blade and can offer some leverage, like a cheese cleaver. For semi-soft, you can use anything good for soft cheese.

Crumbly cheeses

You can get all rustic here and use the tip of a cheese knife to break off chunks. If you have a cheese fork on hand (and hell, who hasn’t?), your guests can then use this to serve themselves. 

Related story: 104 cheesy recipes that are too gouda to be true