Gwyneth Paltrow has clearly missed being out of the spotlight. Not content with consciously uncoupling into obscurity like any other has-been celebrity, she’s back with what is quite possibly one of her weirdest… *checks notes*… okay, maybe one of her top 20 weirdest health claims. But in her defence, at least this one doesn’t involve blowing ozone gas up anyone’s rectum. 

On this latest train to Bonkersville, our Gwynnie has shared her “delicious” cooking tip for those looking for dairy substitutes. What does she suggest? Not nut milk. Not vegetable oil. Not coconut yoghurt. Not even soy. 

You’re going to want to sit down for this. 

Rocket. She uses rocket. 

This head-scratching piece of information was shared on NBC’s Today Show, during a cooking segment with hosts Savannah Guthrie and Carson Daly. The yoni egg queen was whipping up a batch of gluten-free, grain-free (of course) turkey meatballs, and as she was adding parmesan to the mix, she told the hosts, “If you want to avoid dairy, the one trick that I do is I dice up arugula [rocket], and I put it in. It sounds weird, but it kind of adds like a nice texture to it, and it’s delicious.”

 

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It’s possible that all those goat milk cleanses have addled her senses, so we may need to give poor Gwyneth a little space and understanding over this one. But for anyone else out there who is feeling confused, don’t be. Rocket – or arugula, as the Americans call it – is a leafy green herb. It is not a dairy substitute. It doesn’t offer any of the fats, proteins or functional properties like melting or binding that dairy substitutes should offer. 

So next time you’re looking for a dairy substitute, remember that using a leafy salad green makes about as much sense as steaming your nether regions to cure cramps. Protect your peace, protect your meatballs, and for the love of all that is holy, never name your child Apple.

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