After a late night on the town, you wind up with the sort of hunger that only standing in front of a bright neon counter can satisfy. But what should you order?

Worldwide, the choices are clear. Post-clubbing in Berlin means currywurst; in Istanbul, it’s Islak hamburgers (aka “wet burgers”) from Taksim Square. In Seoul, I’d be searching for those chewy rice-flour sticks called tteokbokki. In Amsterdam, I’d get frites (French fries) with mayo.

The classic Madrid night-ender is sweet: a thick hot chocolate and a bag of cinnamon sugar-dusted churros. In Kuala Lumpur, it’s savoury: some cheesy naan, please.

It’s trickier here, especially as the pie floater and saveloy sausage seem to have gone the way of the hansom cab and six o’clock swill, when patrons rushed to buy drinks before closing time. There are local delicacies like falafel wraps in Melbourne and pastizzi in Sydney’s Newtown. But here are my top 10 cross-country feeds to satisfy your post-pub-or-club cravings.

10. THE PANCAKE STACK 

Sure, carbs are good, but all that sugary syrup and ice cream gets a little cloying, and I’m not sure you’ll respect yourself in the morning. Also, a stack tends to be a pre-midnight eat, which shows that you’ve wimped out early.

9. A NOODLE BOX 

Fiddly to open, the box’s contents can be hard to manoeuvre into your mouth with chopsticks, especially if there are alcohol-induced impairments. 

8. PIZZA BY THE SLICE 

Pizza fresh from the oven is the holiest of holies when it comes to take-out, but too often with pizza by the slice, the base is too thick (for structural reasons) and the topping too congealed. As with noodles, this is far better eaten while seated somewhere.

7. NACHOS 

Crunchy, toasty, gooey, cheesy, dolloped with limey avocado goodness and sour cream freshness… Nachos would be the perfect choice if they weren’t so hard to find as takeaway after midnight. This is a huge gap in the market, I feel. If they were more widely available, they would be a top-three pick for sure.

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6. ICE CREAM 

No, I’m not talking about the type from the freezer at the servo – although we’ve all been there – but of the joy of queuing with a couple hundred other dairy-hungry souls for an organic waffle cone at a cool scooperia like Gelato Messina or Melbourne’s Pidapipó. I’m not sure that “sweet” appeals to all of us at the end of the night, but if it’s after 1am, you’ll probably be heading to the servo after all.

5. LOADED FRIES 

The crunchy golden fry is one of those things that’s always better bought from a deep-fried specialist rather than made at home. So that’s a big plus for their late-night takeaway props, whether they’re served with good old Aussie chicken salt or loaded nacho-style with cheese, bacon bits, caramelised onions, chorizo, chilli con carne, pulled pork or whatever combo you like.

4. THE HALAL SNACK PACK 

With the contents of a souvlaki on them, these are like loaded fries on steroids. It’s little wonder this is the choice of the younger late-night hordes. I’d also suggest that the halal snack pack (or HSP) is another proudly Aussie creation, like chicken salt.

3. FRIED CHICKEN 

Whether it’s the reassuring face of the colonel or the promise of secret spices in the crumb, great fried chicken is another thing that’s better to outsource. It also wins for high protein content and a lack of shirt-staining drippiness. And when it’s crispy and crunchy, fried chicken delivers an aural as well as gustatory pleasure.

2. BURGER 

As a youngster, there was nothing better after a hot sweaty gig than a Big Mac and some sort of vanilla shake (even if it was jokingly known back then as a “pork-lard smoothie”). Now, my late-night peccadillo is a burger with the lot from a “mom-and-pop” takeaway. The combination of fresh ingredients with the melty, toastie, salty meatiness in an airy sweetish bun rings all the bells. The only risk? If badly constructed, its fillings can fall out of the back of the bun and onto your shoes – even if you eat it with the patented Preston burger-forward-lean in an attempt to save your shirt.

1. SOUVLAKI 

The winner – and surely the greatest late-night feast of all. Crispy grilled meat, a lot of fresh, lemony salad, plus your choice of garlic sauce, chilli sauce or barbecue sauce, all tightly wrapped in puffy flatbread. It’s refreshing and reassuring all at once, and the best ones also have some proper heft. A souvlaki delivers everything and can only be faulted if the lamb fat drips on the designated driver’s seat covers on the journey home. You’ll never lose the smell, especially once it gets a little rancid.

HOW ABOUT YOUR OWN KITCHEN?

Of course, you could always wait until you get home and have some hummus and carrot sticks. But where’s the fun in that? Well, unless it’s a spectator sport – since cutting carrot sticks requires both dexterity and a sharp knife, neither of which are advised after a big night out.

My personal favourite return-home snack is far safer: cereal with very cold milk. There’s no danger of severed fingers and it’s almost impossible to make a mess – unless you fall asleep on the sofa with the bowl on your chest. Fact. It’s also far quicker than that other ultimate late-night home snack, the cheese toastie, and comes with far less risk of burning your mouth when you’re rushing to eat it.

One final rule: sleep is key to your recovery after a night out but whatever you choose to eat, don’t take it to bed with you. Anyone who’s already there probably won’t want to share it with you…

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