Boarding a recent flight in the blessed embrace of business class, the requisite glass of champagne was whisked to my freshly hot-towelled hands within minutes. Savouring the first sip, I settled into my plush home for the next 14 or so hours, leaning hard into the idea that the toughest thing I’d have to deal with was likely choosing between an Australian shiraz or a South African cab sauv with dinner.

Or so I thought. 

The passengers seated directly behind me had other ideas. There was above-average-decibel talking; seemingly urgent, and yet never-ending. There was a lot of movement, hands clamping heavily over the back of my seat. There was also the bewilderingly oblivious decision to open numerous packets of something loud and crinkly, just as the lights were dimmed to that peaceful, zombie-time-zone level so we could recline to the fully-flat position in the hope of sleep. 

Were these offending passengers pint-sized Paw Patrol fans? Nope. They were fully-fledged adults; they’d just seemingly never bothered to learn, or care to follow, basic air travel etiquette (Air-tiquette?). Disruption comes in all shapes and sizes. And ages. 

I’ve got two children under 10. I wholeheartedly understand the stomach drop upon sighting a small child within the hallowed fold of business class.  

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Among the most dread-filled prospects of air travel is the pent-up frustration expelled as tantrums from tiny bodies; the spine-tingling screams of confused, bored, or frightened children. In business class, the premise is that – for a hefty price – you’re not just buying a ticket from A to B. You’re buying a kind of freedom from the more mundane elements of flying: from long queues to crowded cabins; from lacklustre meals to the elbow-banging irritation of economy seating. But are you paying for freedom from kids? Technically, no (though many would likely happily fork out for such an offering). 

It’s important to delineate between babies and kids here. Babies can cry, and cry: often and loudly, and sometimes for no discernible (nappy/ teething/ ear infection/ hungry/ tired/ missing mum/ missing dad/ feeling gassy) reason. Sometimes, there’s very little a parent can do other than cuddle and wait it out.

I’m not sure I’d be brave enough to go business class with a baby, especially given the heightened expectation of calm and the potential withering looks; one friend tells me she spent a lot of time in the Qantas A380’s onboard bar and lounge area, nervously jiggling her non-sleeping baby and trying not to disturb fellow passengers.  

But here’s the thing: what do young kids love, and what do we as parents tend to limit the most? Screen time. And snacks. And what does a long-haul flight allow for? Unlimited screen time. And unlimited snacks. 

In business, throw in a huge, comfy seat (read: more sleep potential) and even more snacks, which suddenly looks very promising. Many kids can be pretty easily placated with this promise of departure from normal rules, alongside snuggles with their parents – who are, arguably, more ‘present’ on a flight than in most other situations, and therefore beholden to do everything reasonable in their power to keep their child happy; both in the interests of the child and their fellow passengers. It’s the social contract, heightened as you hurtle through the skies. 

Adults cannot so easily be bribed. If they’re ignorant of the common courtesies of air travel, or – worse – believe themselves above those courtesies due to their ‘elite’ status, there’s very little a stranger getting ticked off at them mid-flight is going to do to change things. They are already set in their mildly (or wildly) annoying ways, and we’re all just along for the ride. 

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I completely understand (and have experienced) the need for the business flyer to grind out hours of work in preparation for the meeting that awaits them immediately upon arrival; or their expectations of sleep, ahead of a gruelling schedule in a new time zone. 

While a completely quiet cabin is the ideal – and yes, the expectation, with this higher price tag –  there’s a lot to say about noise-cancelling headphones and natural sleeping aids or remedies. I’d also bet that the extra attentiveness from the business class crew would help mitigate any outlandish behaviour from kids travelling in their cabin. These crews are highly professional, pre-emptive and often come bearing goodies – I suspect they’re also part-psychologists, having to deal sensitively with broad cross-sections of passengers. 

At the end of the day, if I’m without my own (wonderful, exhausting) kids, I tend to err on the side of generosity. If a parent is trying their best to keep their child happy and quiet, I shoot them a sympathetic glance as I sip wine, tighten my noise-cancelling headphones, and pull my sleep mask down. It could always be worse. I could be in their place.  

Disclaimer: I did very recently fly long-haul with my kids, and they were surprisingly great. 

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