Hosting Christmas lunch is a pretty big responsibility. There you are, on what’s supposed to be the most joyous day of the year, frantically peeling potatoes and desperately trying to remember where the hell you put the gravy boat. And what about the napkins? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KEVIN CAN YOU PLEASE IRON THE NAPKINS?

So yes, it’s stressful. More stressful for some than others. Poor Kevin, for instance, is in for a bit of a hard day. You see, to (very badly) paraphrase Shakespeare, some are born hosts, some receive guests when it’s their turn, and some have hosting thrust upon them. Maybe you’re the only one with a house big enough. Maybe you’re the only one who knows how to defrost a turkey. Maybe you had way too many glasses of eggnog last Christmas and thought it would be a great idea to proclaim, “Let’s do this at mine next year!” Rookie mistake. 

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However, even if you’re a consummate entertainer with the kind of kitchen skills that would put Maggie Beer to shame, there’s one Christmas truth that can’t be denied: hosting Christmas lunch is exxy. Throw in a cost-of-living crisis coupled with some festive mortgage stress, and it’s so exxy it hurts. So should you, you know, ask everyone to chip in a little moolah?

A publicity-starved woman in the UK has made headlines for the last three years for going public with the news that she’ll be charging her family for lunch at her house on Christmas Day, saying that she doesn’t want to have to deal with “freeloaders” when Christmas is so expensive. In 2023, she charged £150 a head. Last year it was £200. This year she’s charging £250, and she’s even making her kids (aged 19 and 20) pay. If they want to stay the night with their mum, that’ll be an extra £80. Obviously she’s taking a run at the Mother of the Year award while she’s at it. 

While this is a little on the excessive side, it does bring the issue to our attention. How do you go about hosting Christmas lunch in a cost-of-living crisis without going bankrupt? This problem can all be solved very simply if you have a sane, rational and loving family who supports you in all your decisions. But since this has never yet been encountered, you might need a few strategies that are a tad more subtle than putting Kevin in a suit and sunglasses and making him stand at the door, collecting money from Grandma and company as they arrive.

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First, use flattery. Whoever makes the best dessert in your family, give ‘em a call on some false pretence (“I just saw a bear!”), then change the subject and shower them with compliments. Make them feel like it would be an honour, nay, a privilege for you if they were to bring the Christmas sweets. They’ll soon be putty in your hands. Trifle sorted. This also works for that annoying cousin who thinks they’re a cheese expert and that other annoying cousin who thinks they’re a wine expert.

For any other booze you might require, casually drop it into a group family chat that you’ve gone teetotal. Everyone will BYO like it was the coming of the apocalypse. 

Next, ask Mum and Dad. Hell, they’re Boomers. They’ve got loads of dosh. They can provide the ham. And the seafood. If they resist, tell them it’s their fault that the planet is melting and that their great-grandchildren will never get to see a beluga whale. That should loosen the purse strings. 

This leaves you with the salads and sides, which seems only fair, really. Now you just have everything else to deal with. Those napkins aren’t going to iron themselves, after all. 

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