Life is a marathon, not a sprint, so the saying goes. But at the Olympics, it’s both, with some other paces thrown into the mix there as well. I could tell you what they were, but I’ve been too busy learning the finer points of Greco-Roman wrestling. So what should you be eating to ensure peak viewing performance? The 100m sprint is over very quickly, which means you need fuel fast. The solution? Snacks that you can eat in one hand (and one mouthful) while you blink and miss who made it first over the finish line. The marathon is a different story. Even though it’s summer over there in Paris, it’s still winter here, which makes the long slog of the race the perfect opportunity for a good slow-cook session. We’ve got 53 recipes here to choose from. Which is almost exactly as many miles as there are in a marathon.

Let those traumatic high-school memories of PE class high-jump sessions fade into distant memory, and join us on a culinary journey through the confusing world of athletic field events. Why is shot put a thing? Who cares! Grab one of these oatmeal cookie shots and you, too, will feel strong enough to do a little twirly dance and fling a seven-kilo cast-iron ball a few metres away. For the javelin, assuage your fears about random Olympic field officials getting accidentally speared to death by snacking on these tasty skewer recipes, and for the discus, spin your own circle of magic with these pizza recipes. As for the hammer throw? There is only one option – tomahawk steak.

As this is one area that the Aussies tend to excel in, we encourage you to feel a little smug. But we also encourage you to carb-load, as swimming laps up energy fast. Especially when you’re sitting there, watching them poised on the edge of the starting blocks… potentially teetering over at any moment and falling into instant international disgrace. It’s a lot to deal with. This means you need pasta, and plenty of it. Just remember to wait 30 minutes before going in the pool, for reasons our parents have yet to explain to us. The one exception, of course, is the backstroke, which everyone knows is just asking for trouble. Here, we recommend a good upside-down cake, to help you make sense of this topsy-turvy world.

Speaking of things that turn upside-down, the Olympic diving is a great opportunity to feel at once both incredibly ungraceful and inadequate as a human being, and highly skilled as a splash analyst. I mean, really, how hard can that part be? So make a splash and shake up some refreshing cocktails, as you try to ignore the fact that you don’t have a hot tub to jump into between work meetings. Go for spritzes for the springboard and martinis for the platform. And for the armstand back three somersaults pike? Tequila.

And you thought the diving made you feel like a great clodhopping lummox. The gymnastics is really where you can work on that inferiority complex, and all from the comfort of your own couch. Clearly, the only way you’re going to make it through the balance beam, uneven bars, vault and floor routines is to eat foods that will cheer you up a little. Ergo – chocolate, and lots of it. Cheese also works remarkably well. However, once it comes time for the men’s rings, you will experience a sudden urge to begin working on your upper body strength, which means you’ll need protein. Try these 30 steak recipes for starters.

Whether you prefer a ribbon, a hoop, a ball or clubs, the rhythmic gymnastics is your chance to get ostentatiously creative. So put on some slightly dull classical music and start spinning a bit of culinary magic. Check out this collection of spectacular cakes, which are all worthy of a gold medal, and are guaranteed to make you forget all about your lousy hand-eye coordination. Or, for a real challenge that embraces the spirit of the City of Light and provides the kind of artistic flourish that would impress any judge (even the really grumpy ones), give these French pastry recipes a twirl.

For an event that’s supposed to represent global harmony, there sure is a lot of fighting going on at the Olympics. But really, there’s nothing like a bit of drama to help you stay awake at 4am, or whatever ungodly hour they’re holding these things. For the wrestling fans, it’s important you stay in your weight class, so it’s salads for you lot. Here are 100 of them that won’t make you want to half-nelson yourself. The martial arts are much tastier, and therefore highly recommended. For the judo, throw yourself into these easy Japanese recipes, and for the taekwondo, these Korean recipes will roundhouse-kick your tastebuds straight to the finals. For the boxing, you’ll need to channel some of that aggression, so dig out that meat mallet and pound your way to glory with one of these schnitzel recipes.

From tennis and volleyball to soccer (sorry, football) and rugby sevens, there are a lot of balls in the air at the Olympics. But that’s okay, because it provides a nice distraction from the fact that shooting is actually encouraged as an activity here. So let’s take those balls and run with them. For the rugby, the combination of brawn and biffo means that meatballs are the only way to go. Try these 35 tasty ballers. For the soccer (sorry, football), comfort yourself over the fact that Brazil will probably win gold again by making these Brazilian tapioca pancakes. The basketball will be a slam-dunk with these doughnut recipes, and for the tennis, pretend you’re at Wimbledon and enjoy strawberries and cream, Pimm’s and little cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. As for the golf, not even the most ardent Olympics fan can sit through that, so we can skip it.

Definitely the most unfair of all Olympic sports, as everyone knows that it’s the horses who should be getting the medals. But no. They just get shunted back to their stalls while their riders swan off to party in the Olympic village. They don’t even get to go and see the Eiffel Tower or visit the Louvre. Outrageous. But there is something you can do to honour them – bake some braided bread, symbolising their fancy braided manes. Try this chocolate and marmalade babka, or this chocolate prune babka. You could also try this schnitzel sandwich in braided bread. While you’re waiting for the oven to preheat, you can also treat yourself to a horse’s favourite food – oats. Try these thoroughbred sweet and savoury porridges.