There are some really good things about the supermarket. There’s food there, for one. And you get to take that food home with you, albeit for a price. But with these supermarket pros comes one very big con – other people. 

Of course, not all people who frequent the supermarket are that bad. I, for one, am a paragon of virtue during every shop. But it only takes one bad apple to spoil the whole barrel, or one annoying shopper to ruin your tranquil perusal of the soft cheese section.

Perhaps these people are simply not au fait with modern-day supermarket etiquette? Possibly, if they’ve been living in an apple barrel for the last 80 years. What’s much more likely is that they just don’t care. It’s time to do a clean up on aisle three, and name and shame these grocery store goons in the hope that they will be mortified enough to change their ways (or at least go and shop somewhere I don’t).

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The Avocado Groper
Sure, it can be tough to select the perfect piece of fruit when there are so many pieces to choose from. But this doesn’t mean you should pick up Every. Single. One in your germ-ridden hands and give it a good old pinch, prod and/or poke before putting it down again and moving on to the next, until you finally leave the fresh produce section with nothing more than a stolen grape (see The Don’t Mind If I Do).

The Sniff It And See
Even more heinous than the above, this shocker shopper likes to pick things up and stick their nose right into it for a great big sniff. Like, you do know your nose is where boogers come from, right? One plus here – the number of germs left behind by the avocado groper usually means that this nosy parker will get sick later in the week.

The Don’t Mind If I Do
We’ve all snaffled the odd supermarket grape here and there. It’s a small rebellion that can help us to forget for a moment how utterly powerless we are in this giant consumerist machine called life. But then there are those who will blithely wander the aisles, open chip packet in hand, munching away with abandon – probably with an open can of soft drink somewhere in their trolley, too, in case they get thirsty during the long trek to the checkout. Look hon, it’s not all-you-can-eat. Save the snacking for home. Or if you really can’t control yourself, at least hold out until you make it to the car. 

The Bag Raider
Speaking of grapes, these days they usually come in a handy bag, with the idea that you can simply grab a predetermined quantity and go. But several delicious. staffers insist that it’s perfectly acceptable to just remove the quantity of grapes you require from said bag, and leave the rest behind. I’m not sure if this also means that they have no qualms about reaching into a bachelor’s handbag and ripping off a chicken leg or two, but I plan to closely monitor their shopping movements in a stealth undercover operation over the coming weeks. Stay tuned for the undoubtedly shocking findings. 

The Aisle Antichrist
Most major supermarket aisles are wide enough for you to drive your horse and cart down them. Yet somehow, some people manage to block an entire aisle merely with their own body and a wobbly shopping trolley. And 99.9% of the time, you can bet that they’ll be parked directly where you want to go. But simply stonewalling all comers often isn’t enough for these types. They also like to mix things up – perhaps by moving in front of you in an entirely unpredictable weaving pattern, or making their way down the aisle in achingly slow increments like some kind of over-tranquilised trolley-weiding bride, feigning blindness as you desperately make one more attempt to reach the chickpeas. Some may even park their trolley right in the middle of the aisle and wander off to the furthest corners of the store. Probably to grab another grape.

The Bread Squeezer
You really couldn’t get much more standard a product than a loaf of bread. It’s bread. Take one and move on. Yet some among us like to fondle and squeeze every available loaf, testing for… I don’t know, tumours? Puppies? And so when the next shopper innocently comes along, they’re met with a shelf full of squished slices, haphazardly strewn about in stretched and torn packaging. Look, just give it a rest, alright? No one wants your big ol’ thumbprint all up in their sandwich.

Related story: Two hours for a sandwich? Only in Sicily.

The Deli Counter Demagogue
The deli counter is like its own little world within a world, with its own social mores and set of rules… not unlike the social mores and rules of any other shop anywhere else in the world. But it seems some among us haven’t cottoned on to this fact. Yes, you need to wait your turn to be served. This isn’t some kind of Neanderthalic free-for-all. Yes, you really should have made up your mind what the hell you wanted before deciding to wait in line. Sure, it’s nice to hear about your whimsical musings and all, but some people have a life they’d like to get on with. No, you can’t stand there all day asking for samples, or making the poor beleaguered person behind the counter weigh and reweigh that bag of sliced ham until it reaches exactly 100g. 

The “This’ll Do”-er
We’re all entitled to change our minds. And sure, if you decide you want Maltesers instead of M&Ms and don’t put the latter back in exactly the right spot on the shelf, I won’t call the police or anything. But if you’re halfway through your shop and suddenly realise you don’t feel like chicken tonight after all, please don’t just leave that tray of thigh fillets to fend for itself in the cereal aisle. It’s not just wasteful. It’s downright lazy. 

The Checkout Chump
There are so many checkout faux pas, they’re worthy of their own article. So I’ll just leave you with the most irritating of them all: the person who gets to the checkout, whether it be self-service or otherwise, and then realises they’ve forgotten something. Do they choose to not hold anyone up and simply go back through afterwards to grab the missing item? Not on your nelly. Of course they must leave everything where it is and keep that long line of people standing there while they go traipsing back to the toilet paper aisle to deliberate over whether they want embossed three-ply or that bamboo stuff. Pass the grapes, would you? It’s going to be a long wait. 

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